Wealth Waves: The Financial Talk Every Couple Needs to Have

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You’ve been dating for a while now, and things seem to be going well. You have the same hobbies, you both love dogs and kids, and neither of you listens to dubstep. It might be time for someone to pop the big question… “What’s your credit score?”

Nothing kills the mood like prying into your partner’s financial history, so it’s not surprising that many young couples will spend hundreds of hours planning their weddings but almost none preparing their financial merger. And that’s a big deal.

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Nearly one in three couples say finances cause the most stress in their relationship, followed distantly by intimacy, children, and in-laws. More than a third of millennials in relationships fight about money at least once per week. This is troubling, because couples who disagree about money once a week or more were over 30% more likely to get divorced than those who disagree a couple of times a month.

A lot of this marital strife can be avoided just by having a few honest discussions before tying the knot. It can be hard to broach the subject, so to make it easier for all those young lovers out there, here are five financial topics you should discuss with your future partner.

1. What Do You Earn, Own, and Owe?

It can be difficult to reveal this information, but it’s best to just rip the band-aid off. After all, lack of money is not as bad as lack of communication. According to one study, four in ten couples don’t agree on what their partner’s income is, and 10% of them got the number wrong by $25,000 or more. Over one-third of couples disagreed on the amount of their household’s assets. Good planning is impossible if each of you only has half the information, and getting everything out on the table will only strengthen trust.

To make this easier, try having this talk in two parts. Send each other an email with a simple breakdown of your finances and then, a few days later, come together in a non-judgmental frame of mind to discuss the human story behind those numbers.

2. How Was Money Dealt With in Your Household Growing Up?

We are heavily influenced by the environment we were raised in, so learning about your partner’s family traditions can offer a lot of insight into their financial habits. Did they grow up on a tight budget? Did one parent run the show, or did they share responsibility? Were they ever taught to balance a checkbook? The second part of this conversation is figuring out which traditions you each grew up with that you don’t want to replicate. Maybe your partner’s parents struggled with debt, so it’s very important to them to avoid that same quagmire.

3. What Will Be Yours, Mine, and Ours?

It’s becoming more common for couples to keep separate accounts even after marriage. Maybe they’re afraid of losing independence, or they just haven’t gotten around to it yet, but they might be missing out on some benefits of a joint account like easier organization and transparency. If you and your partner decide to keep separate accounts, make sure that you’re not creating places where secrets can hide. About one third of spouses admit to committing financial infidelity, which means intentionally deceiving their partner about how they’re spending or managing money. Of those, 16% ended up in divorce expressly because of it.

Remember, you don’t need to have separate accounts to enjoy financial independence. Agree on a set amount of personal splurge money per month. It gives you space to be yourselves without fear of lectures or petty squabbles.

4. How Much Do You Want to Spend on Kids?

While most couples will talk about whether they want kids, far fewer will discuss the massive financial impact--which can start before they’re even born! About 15% of couples struggle with infertility, and the cost of a common fertility treatment in the U.S ranges from about $12,000 - $15,000. The average private adoption costs almost $40,000! Once you’ve got the kid, you have to decide about daycare, public school versus private, and of course, college. Right now, the average cost of sending a child to a 4-year public university is around $100K. It’s projected to be double that 18 years from now! It’s important to weigh the financial impact of these choices as early as possible.

5. What Are Your Financial Goals in Order of Priority?

Sharing your financial goals with each other can actually be kinda fun! But in our experience, taking on too many goals at once can make it less likely you’ll achieve any of them. If one of you is focused on buying a house, and the other on starting a business, neither of you may get very far. But if you join forces and agree on what to tackle first, both of you will get where you want to be faster.

A 2015 study asked couples for their best piece of financial advice to newlyweds. The top two suggestions were to save as early as possible for retirement and to make all financial decisions together. Not all of these conversations will result in firm agreements, but when they do, make sure to write them down in a sort of Financial Constitution and then sign it! For example, commit to checking in before spending more than $200 on anything. It might sound unromantic, but it’s all too easy for two people to remember the same conversation differently! And you can always jointly decide to amend your constitution; it’s not set in stone.

If you’re already married, you may have skipped over a few of these questions--but take heart! It’s never too late to bring them up and turn a fresh page.

And that’s our two cents!